The Hound of Heaven

Apologies to Francis Thompson (1890)who wrote the original poem

In my youth, I feared, lest having him, I could have nothing else.

 Besides, I knew that he could never love or hold me dear.

Rejected by mother, father, siblings, peers;

He must reject me also, this was clear.

If he, for me, did not really care, this final rejection could but bring despair. So to test his love, I simply did not dare.

Yet still I longed for, th’illusion of his care,

This, preferring pretense to nothing, kept me searching for acceptance everywhere.

So I fled him, down the nights and down the days;

I fled him, down the arches of the years;

I fled him, down the labyrinthine ways of my own mind; to find approval through knowledge and success, only to find it drove it farther from my grasp.

So I tried to gain acceptance by feigning low IQ, but that was not a thing that I could do. I opened up my mouth in wisdom and chased them from me too.

Relief from friend’s acceptance was simply not to be, Yes they were accepting of my efforts, but they were not accepting me.

I gave up on real relationships and sought instead, through books, movies and pictures to pretend, Yet, despite my constant efforts, felt more lonely in the end.

I stifled all my tears, lest my need and sorrow should make them turn and flee, but then the one that they accepted, was not the real me.

Next I hid in laughter and tried, by bringing others laughter, to make them want to stay. They laughed, enjoyed, then left me, and went their merry way.

I gained the tools to help the weak, the sick, the lame. They took, were blessed, were grateful and wandered, just the same.

I went to church and every chance I got, I sang, I shared, I worked and taught, still could not find the love I sought.

So on I fled from those strong feet that followed, followed after. But with unhurrying chase, and unperturbèd pace, deliberate speed, majestic instancy, he followed and gently whispered, “All things betray you, who betrays me.”

Yet while still I ran, his love continued to pursue.

Across the circle of the world I fled, from sea to shining sea, but my search for meaning still eluded me.

I lost myself in studying all the galaxies in space, but felt so small and lonely in their never changing face.

I sought to hide in natures wonders, from this ever following hound—I tested all his servants, only to find,

All things fled from me, fled to the one who followed close behind.

In faithullness to him their fickleness to me, their traitorous trueness, and their loyal deceit.

Still with unhurrying chase, and unperturbèd pace, deliberate speed, majestic instancy, came on the feet, and a voice above their beat—”Nothing shelters you, who will not shelter me.”

But still within the little children’s eyes seems something, something that replies; surely they, at least, are for me!

I turned me to them very wistfully;

But just as their young eyes grew sudden fair with dawning answers there, video games plucked them from me by the hair.

“Come then, ye other children, Nature’s—

Share with me’ (said I) ‘your delicate fellowship.

 I fed the birds and loved the cats and dogs.

 I climbed a lonely mountain, perched atop a towering tree.

So I in their delicate fellowship was one—

I drew the bolt of Nature’s secrecies, knew how the clouds arise

out of the wild, snorting sea.

I rested in the evening, when she lit her glimmering tapers round the day’s dead sanctities.

 I laughed in the morning’s eyes.

I triumphed and I saddened with all weather, nature and I wept together, and its sweet tears were salt with mortal mine;

I took delight in everything I saw,

Yes I could delight in his creation, alas, it could not delight in me.

In vain my tears were wet on natures cheek.

For ah! we know not what each other says, these things and I.

In sound I speak—Their sound is but their stir, they speak by silences.

Nature, but a poor substitute, could not slake my empty thirst.

Nigh and nigh draws the chase, with unperturbèd pace, deliberate speed, majestic instancy; And past those feet a voice comes yet more fleet— ‘Lo! Nothing can content you, who content’st not me.’

Alas, I’ve nowhere left to run.

Stripped naked I wait your love’s uplifted stroke!

My armor, piece by piece, you have torn from me, And knocked me to my knees; I am defenseless utterly.

In the rashness of my youthful powers, I shook the empty hours

And pulled my life upon me, grimy and smeared.

Now I stand amid the dust of mounded years—

My mangled youth lies dead beneath the heap.

My days have crackled and all gone up in smoke,

Yes, fails now even dream the dreamer,

Ah! Lord is your love indeed

A weed, albeit an gorgeous weed,

Suffering no flowers except its own to grow?

Ah! must—Designer infinite!—Ah! must you char the wood before you can write with it?

My freshness spent, my heart’s an empty fount,

If this now is; what is to be?

The pulp so bitter, how shall taste the rind?

Yet now and then I hear a trumpet summon

From the hid battlements of Eternity;

But I can not go there till first I’ve seen the one who summons.

His name I know, and what his trumpet says.

Now of that long pursuit comes on the trumpet sound

The sound that I have always fled.

Now it surrounds  me like a bursting sea:

 “Lo, all things fly from you, who fly from me!

Strange, piteous, futile thing!

Why should any set you love apart?

Seeing none but I can make something out of nothing.

And human love needs human meriting:

How hast thou merited—

Of all man’s clotted clay, the dingiest clot?

Alas, my chief of sinners, don’t you know

How without me, you have no worth to show.

Whom will you find to love ignoble you,

Save me, save only me?

All which I took from you, I did but take,

Not for your harm, but just that in my arms, you now might learn to seek.

All which your childish mistake fancies as lost, I have stored for you at home: Rise, clasp My hand, and come!”

Halts by me that footfall: Is my gloom, after all,

Just the shade of his hand, outstretched caressingly?

“Ah my fondest, blind, and weak, I am he for whom you seek!

You drove love from you, when you ran away from me.”

So, in his arms I now have learned to stay, he fills my heart, drives loneliness away. When on his name alone, I learned to call, I finally found in him to be my all in all!

(Adapted to fit the life of Verle L Bell)